if black is the absence of all colors (well actually it's the absorption of all colors with none of them being reflected), then sadness must be the absence of all positive feelings. Because I'm not just sad, I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm prideful, I'm humbled, I feel like I have low self esteem yet my feelings of superiority are surfacing and they are both bruised and outraged, I'm questioning myself, and I feel conflicted. The latter of the list is probably the worst. I hate questioning myself and I hate feeling conflicted. I figure it's impossible, but if it was up to me I'd be sure of myself at all times because nothing is more fulfilling then confidence and success and right now I have neither. If you're over 25 and I told you why I felt this way you'd probably laugh, but at this point it my life I don't think anything is more daunting. I've always liked to consider myself well rounded both academically and physically. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I am an intellectual. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I am (or at least I can be) attractive. And I am definitely not the most heart felt person in the world, but I can be compassionate and I know when to. But I feel like I'm "losing" to a counter part who is sub par. And I'm scared that maybe I'm not as good as I want to be and I'm sub par, or even worse I'm too good and people are threatened by me. Now I have never been one to down play myself for the likeliness of others but I'm irrationally afraid of growing up and being alone because I was unapproachable or I couldn't learn to love someone more than myself. I think about people like Coco Chanel and realize that she died alone because she put her business first in her life; men were threatened by her power, charm, and allure. She posses all of the things I aspire to posses, but at what price, loneliness? And while there are far worse fates in the world than loneliness, loneliness is definitely higher up there in the ranks. I would be compromising myself to be any less than the best, but I'm not sure if "money, notareity, and rivieras" are more important to me than being loved and loving someone else. It's very possible that I've thought to far into this, and it's even more likely that I'm involving myself with a bunch of immature teenagers who wouldn't understand what I was trying to tell them if I explained it through a powerpoint. I should probably tell you what's making me feel this way but I'd feel too silly. James Blake - Unluck will make me feel better.
until next time Tristen xx
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